


Stand Back Where You Stood

by HelaHiddles



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes Needs a Hug, Angst, Anxiety, Caution Is Adviced, Description Of PTSD, Description Of Therapy, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Mention of abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationships Only Mentioned - Freeform, Single Character Story, Therapy, description of anxiety, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelaHiddles/pseuds/HelaHiddles
Summary: Alex goes back to therapy after his date with Forrest in 208. This is his therapy session. (Please read with caution. I describe an anxiety attack vividly and mention abuse)
Relationships: Forrest Long/Alex Manes, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Stand Back Where You Stood

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this out of the blue the morning after watching 2x08. I now hear that Alex was supposed to kiss Forrest and it was fine but because of illness they changed it but I couldn't let it go. This is now a part of Alex, they made it so, and I don't want them to just brush it off later. 
> 
> I lost this story for over a week and was so upset because it was almost done and I was so happy with it. Then after my own recent trip to the psychiatrist I was inspired and it literally just appeared out of nowhere in my Word folder. So it felt like a sign and I finished it and wanted to share it as part of MISSING ALEX MANES WEEKEND.
> 
> Hope you guys like it. Read with caution and you are all more than welcome to comment or message me if you need to, after. You're not alone and you are worthy of love and happiness. Love you all.

It took him hours to make the call, slowly pacing his house and staring at his phone, feeling nauseous and jittery with the nerves as he swallowed hard, trying to breathe slowly. But, somehow, he finally did it which was why he was now standing in a, far too nice looking, waiting room, eyes glued to the tiny fishes in the aquarium as he waited.

He watched all the different colors of the fish, swimming around without a care in the world, not understanding where they were or how easy their life must be, the bubbling of the water pump oddly soothing as he watched in an almost trance-like state. He focused on the water bubbles and the fish swimming around, the waiting room melting from his awareness.

“Alex Manes. Been a while.” He turned quickly on a flinch, heart racing, reality rushing back at him as he remembered where he was and why he was there, the harsh light of the waiting room back in full force. Right.. Yes.. Reality.

The room they sat in was small and cozy with two large, comfy chairs. Alex could see plants and candles around the room and he actually really liked how it didn’t feel or look like a hospital. He could almost relax as he sat down, taking a breath as he looked at the woman, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. He didn’t want to take it off yet, having something to fiddle with was better, and she wasn’t actually pushing him to do anything.

“I was surprised to hear from you, it’s been over a year. I’m really glad you’re here.” The woman’s smile was genuine and Alex didn’t really know what to do with that, trying to sort through his thoughts. Where should he start? Why was he here?

“I was.. fine. Healed. I.. this isn’t about..” He was stuttering, flexing his leg to indicate what he meant, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Maybe it was a really bad idea, maybe he shouldn’t have come, maybe he wasn’t even allowed more help.. or different help. She answered his question as if she could read him like an open book. Maybe she could.

“Just because this started with your leg, Alex, doesn’t mean that’s what we have to talk about now.” He looked up at her a bit stunned, feeling unsure, but she was just as calm and understanding as always. Just patiently waiting for him to sort through his thoughts and choose his words.

“I just.. had to just accept the fact that I do actually need it.” He said finally and she nodded lightly, crossing her legs, and Alex actually leaned back with a little sigh. He wasn’t in danger here, that’s what he kept reminding himself of. 

“We can all benefit from therapy, Alex. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I am curious, why did you change your mind? Last time I saw you, you were determined to just get through the mandatory hours.” Alex cleared his throat, shifting a little. It was true, he had been determined to not need it, to just get through it, but even then it had helped. She.. had helped. Even when resisting it had actually helped so he figured accepting he needed it.. it should help even more. Logically.

“I guess I just.. it’s starting to get bad.” Honest.. all he had to do was be honest.

“Okay, that’s okay. How about you tell me what happened that made you realize that?” Alex nodded lightly at that, exhaling slowly to settle his nerves, breath coming out a bit shaky.

“I.. messed up a perfectly good date by getting into my own head.” She nodded lightly, writing something down but he tried not to care about that. Tried not to care about her perception of him because it didn’t really matter. She knew what she was doing.

“Messed up, how, exactly? Did he react badly to something?” Alex bit back a smile at the automatic pronoun used without a second thought, remembering one of the reasons why he liked her so much. He shook his head lightly, finally shrugging out of his jacket now, feeling more comfortable. Well, as comfortable as he could ever be in a situation with.. people.

“No, no he’s great, really, I just.. feel broken or something. He wanted to kiss me and I just couldn’t do it.” He explained and that was the problem, the exact moment where he had realized he wasn’t actually fine. That was the exact moment he kept going back to in his head over and over. That was the reason he had made the call.

“But you wanted to?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s his name?” She asked with a little smile after writing something down again and he bit his lip on a smile, thinking about him for a moment.

“Forrest.”

“And this is a guy you really like.” It wasn’t even really a question at that point, it must be obvious to her when it was obvious even to himself that Forrest had.. broken through something.

“Yeah. I do. That’s why it’s.. so frustrating.”

“Has that been a problem before? Showing affection?” Alex had to think about that for a moment, not really having that many examples to go back to but.. being honest with himself, now, he had to face the fact that it was a problem. It had been a problem.

“In public, yes, absolutely.. always. I.. I don’t care if people known I’m gay, truly, but acting on it in public I just get this.. there’s this voice in my head stopping me.” He admitted, biting his lip, his voice quivering lightly from the frustration. It was just.. really difficult to face. But that’s why he was there.

“Okay. What is the voice saying, Alex?”

“That it’s dangerous. That if I do he’ll get hurt. That if I do my dad will destroy him. That it’s a disgrace to me, to my family, to the uniform.” He explained, getting upset, mind going back to all the repeated phrases he imagines as true, the voice he hears in his head, the words blocking his way. The words that makes him stumble and trip himself up.

“Hmmm… Does that voice sound like your dad by any chance?” Alex looked up with slightly widened eyes, swallowing hard, feeling his heart rate pickup just from the word. He swallowed hard, feeling on edge as he looked at her, not wanting to admit that his hands were starting to shake slightly.

“How do you do that?”

“Comes with the job, Alex.” She smiled kindly but Alex felt a bit shaken actually facing the problem at hand. Trying to, anyways.

“I just.. logically I know it’s stupid but he just gets in my head and I trip myself up and I lose him every time.” Alex felt the words slip out and she looked up at him, looking genuinely concerned for the first time, holding his gaze for a moment before nodding.

“I have a feeling this isn’t about Forrest anymore..” Alex closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head as he swallowed hard.

“Maybe not.”

“Okay.. You lose him every time? Has there been a time when your dad acted on these things the voice is telling you?” Alex just nodded, swallowing the white hot panic gripping his chest. He should have known they’d get to this but somehow he still hadn’t been ready for it. Hadn’t prepared for it.

“Michael?” Alex nodded again, eyes instantly shiny as he took a breath, blinking up at the ceiling before clearing his throat. They had talked about Michael before, after he woke up in the hospital, but until that very moment Alex had kept it vague. He had kept his childhood very vague.

“What happened?” Alex just shook his head, panic gripping his chest, trying to focus on his breathing. He didn’t want to go back there, didn’t want to think about it, but his mind was going back there and he couldn’t stop it.

“Alex. You have to talk to me? That’s how you get past this.” There was silence for a long time until Alex trusted his voice enough to even whisper.

“He got hurt..”

“Why?”

“Because he was with me.” She shook her head immediately, writing something down before looking at him with so much compassion he didn’t know how to even process it.

“No, Alex. That’s not how it works. Try again.”

“He did! He got hurt because of me! Because my dad found us. I got sloppy and he caught us and Michael got his hand smashed! That’s what happens when I let myself be happy.” Hot tears were spilling over as he tried to breathe normally, shaking his head, not wanting to think about it. It was too much.

“Okay. Hey.. it’s alright. Alex, listen to me. You’re safe. It’s just us.” She reached over and put her hand on his arm and surprisingly he didn’t flinch away so she kept her hand there, squeezing gently.

“Just breathe slowly, okay? Remember? Slow, controlled breaths. Just slowly in, hold it for a few seconds, slow exhale. You got it. You’re safe. It’s just you and me here. You’re safe.” It took quite a few breaths but after a while Alex managed to slow it down, holding it, controlling the exhale, and his heart rate returned to normal. She gave him a moment to settle before leaning back slightly with an encouraging smile. He was okay. He was safe.

“Alex. That wasn’t your fault.” Alex took one last deep breath, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

“Why are we talking about this? I came here because of Forrest. This has nothing to do with him.” Even Alex knew that was bullshit but he felt exhausted and raw, pretty sure he just wanted to leave. But of course she didn’t just let it go because even a year ago she had called him on his shit. He couldn’t really be mad about that when she was so good at it and it actually made him smile.

“Doesn’t it? Because it sounds like it does. Alex, to me, this sounds like the start of everything.”

“It’s not..” He sighed lightly, leaning back. Maybe she was right but Alex didn’t want to give his dad that kind of power. He really didn’t want his dad to be the reason for all of his problem. He’d be far too pleased about that.

“Okay.. It’s okay.. So.. let’s talk about Forrest. You had a date that was successful and he wanted to kiss you. When you’re with a guy in public, does your mind take you back there? Do you feel that same way again? Because the PTSD..” Alex looked up with a frown, shaking his head.

“This has nothing to do with my PTSD.” Alex was quick to interrupt, not wanting to go there, not wanting to think about it. He had his PTSD under control. It was fine. He was.. fine.

“Doesn’t it? Alex. PTSD doesn’t just come from war. PTSD is the aftermath of trauma and what happened was undoubtedly traumatic.” Alex could feel himself shutting down, getting defensive and putting up that wall again, but she could sense it too. Luckily for him she wasn’t willing to give up and ignore it the way he was. She really wasn’t letting anything slide today.

She put her pen and notebook down, leaning forward slightly, looking at him with those kind eyes that made him want to weep and admit to all his flaws.

“When you came to me that day over a year ago I knew you were dealing with PTSD but I couldn’t figure you out because talking about the war, talking about Iraq and your job, it didn’t even rattle you. You never tense up or go quiet when talking about those 10 years but something was wrong. I couldn’t figure it out and then you never came back but this.. Alex, this is why. War is.. hell. It’s supposed to be. Growing up isn’t supposed to be. Do you understand me?” He just looked at her for a moment, quiet, before nodding slowly. She wasn’t wrong it was just really.. hard to face and accept.

“Then you told me about Michael and I could see it. Like a shadow falling over you. Now I know why. That day.. that’s what this is all about.” Alex frowned, shifting slightly in his seat, taking another slow breath. They were back to that day again and Alex was.. not really handling it well. He just.. hadn’t been prepared to talk about it. He didn’t do well with.. not being prepared.

“It didn’t happen to me?”

“Didn’t it?” She asked and Alex looked up at her, heart stuttering a little as he tried to take a controlled breath that ended up being shaky anyways.

“Alex, you were 17. Do you really think that wasn’t traumatic for you?” He knew it had been but he had been so focused on Michael, so focused on what he caused.. so focused on the guilt.

“More traumatic for him.”

“Does that take away your trauma?” Alex shakes his head lightly with a tiny smile, knowing she’s challenging his thought process and trying to make him question it. Begrudgingly he had to admit that it worked. How was she always right? How was she so good at this?

“Do you still talk to him? You’ve been home a while now.. how’s that going?” Alex bit his lip, shrugging lightly. The current situation was.. complicated to say the least. He didn’t really know where to start explaining that but.. he tried.

“I screwed up too many times with him. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He’s with someone else now. My friend. I think he’s happier now, better now.. without me.” She seemed to disagree, writing something down in the notebook that was in her lap again.

“How does that feel?”

“It’s.. fine.. If he’s happy I’m fine.” The words came out hollow and even Alex could hear it but if he let himself feel it, let himself really think about it. It just.. hurt too much.

“Are you? Alex, you’re allowed to want things.. to have good things. To be with the person you love.” Alex exhaled a small, humorless laugh, shaking his head. It was too late now. It was better if he tried to just accept that, right?

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t want me anymore.”

“You sure about that?” She seemed skeptical about those words but Michael had told him as much. How could he argue with that? How could he go against that? Michael was done so what could he even do?

“I hurt him too much. I’m not good for him. He’s better now and I just.. I hurt people.” She immediately disagreed with that, leaning forward slightly, looking at him with such sadness even Alex felt sad for himself. Saying it out loud.. maybe it wasn’t actually true.

“Alex. That’s not who you are. You’re hurting. You’re struggling. It’s allowed. But that’s not who you are.” He just shrugged lightly, looking at her. He wanted to believe her, he really did, but it was so hard to let that knowledge sink in as truth. It was so hard to believe that. Too hard to accept as truth. He was quiet for a moment, eyes drifting to the window, swallowing hard.

“Hey, Alex, I’m on your side here. I just want to help you.”

“I just don’t like thinking about him.. about what we had. Could have had.” He spoke after a while, explaining, a stray tear falling as he slid his eyes back to look at her.

“It wasn’t your fault. You know that right? Logically you need to know that.” Alex nodded lightly at that, offering her a week smile. Some days all he could do was cling to the logic of it and let it guide him forward. It helped.

“I’m working on it.”

“How?”

“What?” He looked up with a surprised, small laugh, squinting at her in almost playful annoyance.

“How are you working on it?”

“I.. well.. I mean.. I was.. shut up.” They actually laughed together for just a moment but it was enough to break the solemn mood and bring him back into the room and it made him feel lighter.

“You don’t have to do anything, okay? Alex, there’s no way to fail here. There’s no pass or fail system. You just need to talk. That’s how you work on it. You literally can’t fail therapy.” Alex took a breath, looking at her for a moment before nodding, trying to allow those words to settle in him.

“So, Forrest? You really like this guy? Tell me about him!” She requested excitedly and Alex actually couldn’t resist a laugh at the way she managed to sound more like a nosey friend, immediately lightening the mood further, shedding the last of the tension from him. So he told her about him, about how he had gone to listen to Forrest at the open mic and how he had planned the date and what he liked about him and Alex realized he actually did like him.. a lot. It was a good way to end the session as they ran out of time.

“Will I see you next week?” Alex hesitated, looking at her for a moment, biting his lip, before nodding with a careful smile.

“Good.” Her smile was so damn genuine and he didn’t know what to do about that but he did know something. He already felt a million pounds lighter and he felt.. hopeful. Exhausted! But definitely hopeful. 


End file.
